One question I guarantee you will be asked at any college party is, "What’s your major?" Being honest, you will lie by responding ‘History’ or ‘Biology’ when the truth is you came to college to pursue an education in Sex and Alcohol. While I commend you for choosing majors with overlapping classes, about now you are probably having difficulty finding time to "study" with all those distractions that college life offers such as Bio midterms.

*ZAP* Feel that?? Although it has no effect on stoners many of you just felt the electrical shock that physicists refer to as "reality," and have just remembered that you DO in fact have a Bio midterm tomorrow.

"Rich," you are crying, "how can I get an ‘A’ on it without forgoing a wild night of booze and sex!"

While I can do little to improve your drinking and sexual stamina (although I’m willing to try if you are a female), the last thing I would advocate in such a situation is opening your Bio book. Doing so would rob you of valuable time you could spend on more important studies. (See above)

If you are going to open any book in this situation, I would recommend the Bible. This will teach you how to pray.

The problem with prayer is that your school does not allow it where it is most needed: in the classroom. This is why I recommend you "cheat."

Of course, it is difficult to cheat effectively without the help of someone really smart (defined as- "Anyone besides the person you were drinking with at 3 A.M. last night"). To locate "Smarty" you should look for the following distinguishing characteristics:

- No nose ring. ...

(Editor’s note-- It may seem that Rich is singling out ‘nose-ringers’ as the truly stupid people of planet earth. This is not true. There are people who sincerely enjoy gangster rap.)

Okay! Great! Now what you want to do is handcuff yourself to your intellectual hero. This insures that you’ll be sitting next to him or her, when they pass out exams. If the professor starts asking questions merely explain that you are an FBI agent and that "Smarty," who happens to be on the ten most wanted list, is merely exercising his federal right to complete his midterm before you take him in for questioning. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT try this in an Administration of Justice class.

Now let’s say "Smarty" opens his test booklet and identifies a neuro-transmitter as "a new rock band from Seattle." What I recommend you do in this situation is to rub your eyes real good and try to clear your head from last night’s hangover. Odds are you will recognize "Smarty" as ... the person you were drinking with last night!

DON’T panic! If you were a mind reader and had followed the explicit preparatory instructions I forgot to write above, you would have a buddy sitting on the other side of the room with a walkie-talkie. Of course, even if you had followed these instructions, with that hangover, you probably forgot to bring your walkie-talkie.

At last we’ve come to the moment you knew you were most prepared for: Now is the time to panic! That is, unless you are a real pro. Despite the fact that you and your buddy are several hundred seats apart, there are still a lot of innovative ways to share ideas. Well, at least one, which is enough to get me to the end of my column.

Some of you who are less experienced may stand-up and blurt out, "Hey Greg, what’s the answer to #7??!"

This is wrong! Professors are a sharp bunch and shouting so obviously might arouse suspicion.

Try doing it this way: "Hey Greg! What’s the answer to #7! HAHA!"

By emphasizing the HAHA, your professors will think that the two of you are just a bunch of pranksters, and by the time Greg finishes yelling, "I don’t know! ‘C’?," the whole class, including the professor, will be rolling on the floor to keep from dying of laughter.

What you are accomplishing here is not using Greg’s brain to complete the test. By definition-- he hangs out with you-- Greg isn’t the sharpest guy in the world. Greg merely provides a humorous diversion, and while the rest of the class is doubled over in near fatal laughter, what I want you to do is copy your neighbors’ answers. Just remember to look at someone else’s paper other than "Smarty’s."

So now all you have to do is go out and apply my proven methods to real situations. Of course, if for some reason they don’t work-- please; don’t say I cheated you.