In a recent survey of my closest friends, nearly two-thirds of them indicated there is a strong possibility they might vote for me if I were to run for President; provided I nominated them for the Supreme Court. The other third, who are in jail, also requested pardons.

Now I’m sure that some of you out there are saying, "Okay Rich, you obviously have a strong showing in the polls, but what other qualifications do you possess that would make you a good politician?"

Well, aside of being a white male, I’m also very good at accepting bribes and spending tax-payer money unproductively.

I attribute this to the fact that I am a "guy." Like most guys, I have a terrible time understanding the term "budget."

Now many of you women are probably scratching your heads saying, "Guys don’t waste money. Most guys go months arguing over whose turn it is to buy a toilet disinfectant. Then they brag about how shrewd they are when they receive royalty checks from scientists who, modeling lab conditions after their bathroom, have managed to cultivate prize winning bacteria the size of French Poodles.

Ladies, men do spend money, it’s just that we don’t waste it on non-essential items such as cleaning products or underwear.

Let’s take a look at a secretly recorded conversation between a clever Circuit City salesperson and a male with a monthly budget of $1,000 that he has been specifically instructed to spend on groceries and rent.

Salesman: "We just got a shipment of these complicated new devices with lots of buttons that have been marked up to only $200."

Guy: "Do I understand it?"

Salesman: ‘No."

Guy: "Give me 5!!"

Basically when it comes to neat, new gadgets, males lose their entire perspective on their surroundings. Imagine the touching scene where a group of orphans, having decided to contribute their one dollar and fifty cent monthly allowance towards the campaign fund of their favorite politician, visits the senate. Spirits, already running high, soar when a defense contractor in attendance announces that his company has just finished developing the new invisible, reversible radar, dual cham, mach 10, T-700 Falcon Hyper Jet with an easy to use remote control for the onboard T.V.

Crushed in the ensuing stampede would be only the female orphans, because their male counterparts would be running alongside Senator Dole trying to outbid him for the aircraft.

Military suppliers rely on such fascination with new gadgetry to bilk us out of billions. Congress used to pay thousands of dollars for a single toilet! Why? Because of clever guy-targeting marketing slogans such as: "Military Toilets, a more complex urinal." (Which by the way aren’t cleaned very often either.)

But it would be just soooo easy to point fingers and blame us guys for America’s problems. But while my senatorial buddies were busy losing your future social security benefits gambling on rooster fights in the Dominican Republic, not one female was there trying to dissuade us against it (not that we would have listened anyways).

And just what were you females doing? You were at home having tea, talking about relationships, and of course, sitting on your ever expanding fannies!

Upset? Frothing at the mouth over that fanny comment? Do you think that all men are slime?

If you answered the above questions by jumping up and shouting, "Yes! Yes! Yes!" the proper authorities will be along shortly with straight jackets and tranquilizers to haul you away. Just put down this column and sit tight!

Whew! That carefully orchestrated screening process was designed to weed out the psychos! The way I see it, if you’re female and still reading this column, you must be fairly level-headed and open minded. It is you who I am trying to encourage to run for political office, or at the least to give me a call.

Take the aforementioned orphan debacle. Such shameful tragedies would never occur under a female legislature! You would never hear a newscaster uttering, "Female Congress stampedes over orphans!" mainly because he would be accused of insinuating they were a bunch of cows.

And females are also much more likely to than males to come to a mutually beneficial agreement without resorting to violence. In rare cases, this holds true for females of differing political ideologies.

Democrat: "Well, we’re 200 billion over budget. Let’s cut some of this wasteful post cold-war defense spending."

Republican: "What a good idea! Could I have a sip of your tea?"

Democrat: "Of course!"

Now put two males; Johny, a bleeding heart Democrat, and Bob, a staunch Republican, in the same position.

Johny: "Okay, I’ll give in to all your demands and we’ll balance the budget today, because, well, I love you man!"

Bob : "You’re not getting my Bud Light Johny."

So as you can see, the political stage is ripe for a female Presidential candidate. I am sick and tired of the burden that male dominated politics has brought upon us. I truly believe that our nation would be much better off with the softer touch of a female President, which is why, if a courageous woman should decide to take on the laborious challenge of running for office, I want her to know that she has my vote. And that goes double for Pam Anderson. (Campaign slogan: "President or bust.")