Today we are going to discuss some innovating money management techniques that if perfected, will help you achieve a zero dollar cost of living! Of course, despite this incredible benefit, I must point out that following them will land you in jail.

To have what we financial experts refer to as a healthy bank account you should have more cash entering your funds then leaving. Good cost saving accounting practices are certainly important in achieving this goal.

Keep track of each expense in your checkbook as you incur it. It follows that the fewer entries you have entered at the end of the month, the more money you have saved. I am extremely proficient in this area because if you look in my checkbook you will not find a single entry. This alone easily saves me thirty cents in ink a year.

Ok! But we're just warming up! As the financial genius I've demonstrated myself to be above, I feel it's my duty to pass along some very valuable money saving techniques. All this for the mere price of $19.95! Make that check out to CASH!

First, let's make a list of expenses that impose the most serious health hazards to your bank account --

• Rent
• Dates
• Your bookie
• Your roommate

One of the more enjoyable expenses in life is certainly rent. I don't know about you, but I get no greater pleasure than forking over a quarter million dollars a month to pay for a room so small and dark, that it has been condemned by gophers. Of course, in your landlord's eyes this is perhaps the greatest reason for a surcharge since yesterday.

"Gopher proof," he would chuckle to prospective tenants while closing the blinds to obscure the view of the small furry animals posting "Enter At Your Own Risk" signs around the properties edge.

It seems only fair that when your landlord comes to collect your rent check that you should break into a long maniacal cackle, pausing only to brag that the police never did find the remains of your last landlord. Not only will you avoid having to pay rent, you'll get back your full (gasp!) security deposit as an incentive to move out.

Dates, unlike rent are usually gobs of fun, but they tend to cost money. It used to be that men were expected to pay, but today with women's liberation and all, men still have to pay, and they can't even expect a proper "thank you."

This is why one must avoid costly dates. A clever trick that I use is to go to the most expensive restaurant in town with some one you know beforehand to be a vegetarian. Right before the waiter comes to take your orders, inquire as to why she is a vegan. Her response will most likely be a graphic narration of the mass butchery of helpless, squealing pigs in unsanitary slaughter houses. Use this opportunity to tell her that you have completely lost your appetite. Make sure to smile at the waiter on the way out since you probably didn't tip him for the ice-water.

Another very avoidable expense is your bookie. Frankly, I don't consider gambling to be a very funny topic. At least not when I talk about it. The best humor can be heard each Sunday, when stand-up comics masquerading as preachers will condemn gambling and within the same sentence request your patronage of church bingo. But what I can tell you is that gambling is a no-win proposition. This is especially true if you habitually bet on the Los Angeles Clippers.

It is rumored that roommates generally help reduce your overall costs. This is a vicious lie. Take for example groceries. My roommate tells me that my groceries tend to "magically" disappear. I never used to believe in magic, but my beliefs on the subject seemed to be more and more discredited each time my groceries would vanish, so I finally accepted that magic did in fact exist.

Finally I was at long last able to see the magic as it took place. I walked through the door one day and there was my roommate eating a can of my split-pea soup. "Look Rich," he exclaimed excitedly, "Magic!"

Since then the magic has ceased. I'm not sure but I think it might have something to do with the labels I've placed on my milk cartons stating, "I've drank directly from this and there is an ample amount of back-wash to prove it."

Don't worry though, if you ever come I'll be sure to offer you some of his milk.

A way to entirely cut your roommate cost is to shoot him, although it probably isn't worth the cost of the bullets to do it (hint: use a knife). Even millionaire O.J. Simpson enjoys saving on this expense.

Of course, it's very difficult to avoid all these expenses which is why to maintain a healthy bank account you need cash infusions. One way is to work for a pay-check. the second of course is to bet against the Clippers. Excuse me while I call my bookie.