But hey, who am I to judge? Maybe I’m just jealous because at season’s end, when the winners are separated from the losers, the wheat from the chaff, the men from the boys, they will be the ones who will be forever remembered. They will be the ones noted for all posterity as "The Greatest Team of Jerks Ever Assembled."

The problem is that each week your team has to play this bunch of belligerent imbeciles. Of course, this statement applies from your opponents perspective as well, because let’s face it, everybody except for you is a jerk. Just ask the gal sitting next to you.

-- You: "Don’t you think that everybody except for me is a jerk?"

-- Her: [Sprays you with a can of mace.]

Okay, bad example, but even Albert Einstein echoes similar views in his Theory of Relativity where he states, "Your relative level of jerk-hood is equal to your mass times the speed of light squared."

Finally, scientific proof of the direct correlation between weight and popularity!

And researchers from the much respected and un-biased magazine Radical Feminist, have taken Einstein’s theorem one step farther, coming to the conclusion that, "All men are pigs."

Wait a second! What type of evidence is that?? They have no right to categorize us as pigs! Especially considering that I’ve met the ‘researchers,’ and can candidly tell you that they are all a bunch of cows!

But I digress from my point, which if I remember correctly, was the fact that intramurals have gotten too competitive. As evidence, I sight my own undefeated team from last year, whose duplicitous nature became so notorious, that towards the end of the season we began collecting Congressional consultation fees.

We had an ample arsenal to work with. Aside of remarkable athletes, we had great pompom girls, including this really cute one named Cindy. Despite always being sick, she devotedly came to each of our games and would attempt to distract the opposing team with flirtatious and suggestive glances. But these were the least of my duties if you catch my drift.

For example, if our scouts reported that the opposing quarterback was any good, part of our game night strategy included sending Cindy over to his house to give him the flu.

But not all teams are this cutthroat; most are more so. However, there are a few teams out there that aren’t quite as competitive, meaning- they might think twice before bowling over Grandma. Such teams are easy to spot when looking at the standings because they are always on the bottom. (Such teams include: ‘The Pansies,’ ‘Red White and Pink’ and ‘The Cincinatti Bengals.’)

So you kind of get the drift of what types of teams don’t make the grade. Well, to contrast last year’s team, lets take a look at perhaps the best named team in history-- The Green Bowl Packers.

The Packers are not the worst team in the league, in that we have won a game. Of course, for those of you who follow the Packers, it would not surprise you that our victory came in the pre-season, and that was by forfeit. Actual playing of the game holds little interest for us. I attribute this to the pre-game ritual of doing very un-presidential things such as inhaling.

The only way you’ll see a Green Bowl Packer chasing after a football is if he mistakes it for a cheeseburger. Each game that the Packer play, the Las Vegas line has us as 27 point underdogs. The most loyal, die-hard Green Bowl Packer fans have made a small fortune betting against us.

This is GraGbecause we constantly are going up against the aforementioned ultra-competitive teams of jerks that have choreographed their sack dances to the point that MTV has begun covering league games. Oftentimes when I am sprawled out on the ground after a particular vicious tackle, finally conceding that Carl Sagan wasn’t lying about there being a lot of stars, I look up to see their defense gyrating in front of a large camera, doing a rap and dance routine to their new number, ‘Quarterback #!@ Crunch.’

So you can see the state of affairs that Intramurals has gotten to. Not only have they served as a haven for the production of rap videos, which I’m hoping to see illegalized any day now, but league officials also turn their heads to the rampant gambling and cheerleading scandals that have plagued flag football for years. And speaking of cheerleading scandals, if any of you know where Cindy is, please, feel free to send her over to my house. And tell her to bring the Advil, I’ll be needing it in the morning.