Although I personally have never heard anybody state this, it seems to me that there is an undercurrent of thought, particularly throughout the female community, that males don't really care about anything other than having sex.

Nothing could be further from the truth! I take great offense to such remarks, because in addition to caring very deeply about sex, I happen to be a big fan of the First Amendment.

Why? Because this amendment grants us a certain unalienable right: the right to go around tipping over sleeping cattle. (This actually happens to be a popular sport in cow intensive states such as Nebraska.)

"What is this guy crazy!?" shriek you Con Law majors out in Readerville. "That's the 27th Amendment, or as judge Clarence Thomas of the Supreme Court calls it, 'The Cow Tipping Amendment.' The first amendment grants us the freedom of speech and expression!"

Yes, you're right. Unfortunately, it also entitles radical feminists the right to call men: "Pigs;" a term which frankly I find insulting.

Warning to you feminists out there endorsing this statement: Be careful how you snooze, cause if I find you sleeping upright, I'm going to tip you over. (Try not to "Moo.")

As demonstrated above, Americans cherish the right to express even the stupidest of ideas. More examples include:

*Rush Limbaugh

* Rush Limbaugh's use of the term "Feminazi"

* Limbaugh's apology: " I'm sorry if I happened to offend any Nazis."

To put it in a nutshell, in America, the land of freedom and opportunity, the nation where all men are created equal, you have the right to do or say anything you want, so long as your name isn't Howard Stern.

Compared to the rest of the world's population (China), Americans simply don't realize how spoiled they are in terms of individual freedoms.

But there is a group of concerned citizens who are endeavoring to make Americans more appreciative of their civil rights. By slowly chipping away at such individual issues as abortion and flag burning, the radical right ultimately hopes to mutate our society to the point where your only remaining Constitutional right would be to publicly carry a fully loaded semi-automatic weapon.

Now before you start accusing me of being some leftist Commi pinko, let me just say that I am in full agreement with my fellow right wingers that certain defiances of public taste cannot be tolerated, and I'm not referring to flag burning or imported beer.

No, I speak of a transgression against public decorum so vulgar, that if I had any common sense, I wouldn't even point it out. Then again, nobody has ever made the statement, "Rich, you have a lot of common sense," which is probably why I feel so strongly about this issue.

As most of you have already guessed what I am referring to is: "Plaid."

Plaid has been out of style ... hold on while I check the records ... since the beginning of time. In fact, before the invention of optometrists, plaid was the first primitive test for color blindness.

Ancient Egyptian #1: "He's wearing plaid again. It doesn't take a genius to realize he's color blind."

Egyptian #2: "Say, are you one of those new optometrists?"

And the plaid protest finds a great deal of support throughout the scientific community. According to renowned psychologist Tanja Reichert, "To not avert ones eyes from the unsightful spectacle of a myriad of criss-crossing stripes, one must not only be masochistic, but also a complete idiot."

"I may be masochistic but I'm not stupid," is a common statement from members of MAD. (Masochists Against plaiD) Plaid should be outlawed once and for all, because, let's face it, plaid is ugly.

Now many of you are thinking, "Yes Rich, plaid is a tragedy, but until Congress enacts your bill authorizing the execution of plaid wearers without trial, this imbecilic form of expression will remain shielded by the First Amendment."

My comrades, I'm not insinuating we throw the First Amendment out, that would be wasteful. But as long as that infernal document legitimizes plaid, I say we get it the hell out of America. Let’s send it (Federal Express) to people who really need it: the Chinese.

Now I'm sure that some of the more ardent, card carrying members of the ACLU will drone on and on about what a "desecration" of the Constitution my idea constitutes; about how important the First Amendment has been to the development of our nation; about the rapid regression towards a police state such a measure would cause, yaddah yaddah yaddah ...

Hey, I'm not saying they're wrong; I'm just saying that living in a police state would be a small price to pay in exchange for a plaidless society.

Right now my girlfriend is asking, "How on earth I could care so strongly about something?" while she sits beside me (bang the irony drum), wearing a plaid dress. Hey, I stick up for what's important to me. I'm asking her to take it off.